Syrine Ben Ayed - Week 15 - Early Signs of Dementia (!!)
The other day, a friend challenged me (a consequence of just having moments before teasingly jabbed at his abysmal memory): “Fine, describe what your family looks like…” To my surprise, I found myself at a loss for words, unable to translate the faint image in my head into words.
There's something unsettling about my memories being distorted. Figures of the past now only existing as blurred faces in my mind.
It makes me feel like I'm getting a taste of early on-set dementia.
I've always found solace in revisiting the past, reminiscing over most cherished moments to the smallest of interactions; Retracing the steps of fleeting time to relive the warmth of laughter and the embrace of familiarity. From the most picturesque vacation to Cuba and times spent with loved ones to encounters with strangers, like the sweet, homeless 8-year-old girl who would join me at the library every Saturday where I volunteered and follow me around, sharing tales of her best friends and favorite books with the few English words she could speak. No, I can’t remember her face–Only the image of a small girl, half my size, with olive skin and black hair slicked back into a braid, remains etched in my memory.
And, as I turn to my loved ones and old friends, I realize that I have trouble remembering their faces too. It's feels like stumbling in a fog, grasping at seemingly all-too-familiar shadows that slip through my fingers before I can hold them close. I've realize it's not just faces that elude me; it's the cadence of voices, the scent of a particular moment suspended in time. I guess the one thing that remains so raw is emotion. My dad used to always say, “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” So, perhaps, I don’t simply treasure memories. Perhaps, I treasure the feelings associated with single moments of laughter and smiles and surprise. Of warmth and comfort and the inexplicable feeling of “just-right.”
I don’t know; maybe it’s just me…I’m hoping this is a universal struggle and that I’m not singled out here, exposing my otherwise–possibly–early signs of dementia.
Hi Syrine!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to say that your writing truly never fails to impress me! I feel like I say this every week, but I appreciate your use of varied and complex language, as it elevates your writing! Additionally, your varied use of punctuation, which includes ellipses, em-dashes, and semicolons, adds depth to your blog and overall prose. Additionally, your introspection about how you tend to forget the details of a person's face after a while, such as the face of the girl who would often meet you at the library, is extremely relatable. My family and I usually take month-long trips to Sri Lanka during the summer once every couple of years, and during these trips, I meet A LOT of people. Several of these people are distant family members or close friends of my parents or grandparents whom I have already met before, possibly even more than once; however, a couple of days after the one time I see them every two to three years or so, I tend to forget how they look like. Like you, I do still remember the memories I have with them, just not exactly how they look. The similarities between my forgetfulness and yours make me realize that it is just human nature to forget the details of another person's face (unless you have a photographic memory, of course)!
Hi Syrine! Your blog was very entertaining and interesting to read. Your post resonates deeply with me. The way you describe feeling lost in your own memories, unable to grasp onto the faces and voices of your loved ones, is something many people can relate to. It's a feeling that many of us can relate to—a sense of frustration and fear when our recollections become hazy. Your story about the little girl at the library was especially touching for me. Despite not being able to recall her face clearly, the emotions and warmth of that encounter remain vivid, which I think is really sweet. It's a reminder that memories are more than just images and sounds; they're about the connections we form and the feelings they evoke. Your dad's words about the lasting impact of emotions in memories connected to me and are very powerful. I liked how he highlighted the importance of the moments that make us feel alive and connected, even when the details fade. I personally tend to struggle with the same problem of struggling to recall details of my old friends or loved ones I have not seen in a while. However, as you mentioned in your blog, I think it is rather more important to remember how a person made you feel. I deeply admire your openness in sharing your struggles with memory. It's a reminder that it's okay and that we're not alone in navigating them. Your vulnerability in expressing these feelings creates a sense of comfort for others who may be experiencing a similar problem. Overall I really enjoyed reading your blog, good job!
ReplyDeleteHey Syrine! Your blog title is extremely relatable to me. Honestly, I have always thought about myself as a person that has a memory worse than a goldfish. Anytime my dad asks me a calculus question in the car, I always have trouble repeating the questions back to myself. When I played piano, I often had a hard time memorizing long pieces, and it would probably take me a little longer than others to memorize a song. When you were talking about having a hard time remembering what your family's faces looked like, I also thought about my own troubles remembering others' faces, but it's mainly because I have bad eyesight. Like you, I have found that while trivial and specific details might fade, the feelings associated with those memories tend to stay a bit longer, sometimes even forever. You reminded me of how our emotional memories often might outlast our factual ones, and I think what your dad said was something that was so real. It is quite reassuring that this struggle with memory is not something that is uncommon and not necessarily associated with early-onset dementia. Most of us probably just have moments of forgetfulness because we're stressed, put on the spot, or tired. Honestly, if I had early-onset dementia I would not even be surprised.
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ReplyDeleteHi Syrine,
ReplyDeleteThe third sentence of your blog made me reflect on a lot of my own personal experiences, in which my memories have been warped and twisted until I cannot differentiate between real and unreal. You're definitely not alone! I always knew that dementia was a real illness that many Americans face, especially in their old age, but I never knew that my own experiences align with signs of early onset dementia (which is not ideal as the AP Psychology test is only a week away). It's understandable to struggle with the challenges of remembering faces and voices because what matters is the memory of the vivid emotions tied to those memories. Your dad's wise words about the lasting impact of emotions in memory add personal depth to your reflection, while also reminding us what the true importance of remembering principal moments. Overall, your blog was incredibly insightful, and by sharing your own feelings and doubts, you offer comfort to those who may also relate to the ups and downs of recollecting important memories.
Hi Syrine,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your blog and how you developed it. I think it was both very funny to see how you connected your inability to clearly remember certain things you feel that you should be able to remember to early on-set dementia. I think this is actually a common enough feeling and hopefully, that diagnosis is not your case. I totally get that feeling when someone asks something simple like "What did you do yesterday?" and it is very hard to think of anything clear. I think that really connects to the Tim O'Brien interview we watched on Tuesday about how "we erase our lives as we live them." It is often hard to remember all the details about what we did on a certain day because our brains cannot keep all those small facts in there. What our brains do keep are the emotionally hooked memories. And those are the ones you remember! So while a description of your family may not be too emotionally important to you, the way they make you feel is, and you can remember that.
I also really liked how you described the anecdote about your childhood- very vivid imagery!